I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionalbe ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor.
~Thoreau
All I really want is some peace, man.
~Alanis Morrisette
In recently jumping back into the bloggy world, I began briefly frequenting some of my favorite old haunts and one of them has something called Theme Thursday. I love stuff like this because it's so fun to see what others come up with (dangling prep, I know, I know). I thought I'd jump back in for the fun of it . . . and also because this is a hobby you can keep between the hours of 11pm and 1am after the kids are all hopefully asleep.
Her theme this week was "What I Want." Easy enough. As I sat bleary eyed at the computer looking to do a quick post at 10:30 at night, I found myself paralyzed by a tsunami of things and nothing at all. What DO I want??
The first obvious choice given my recent abrupt shove into single mother-ness is money. Money is like an attorney, you mock it until you need it. It's the biggest stress in my life right now as I aim to support three kids with a graduate degree in social work. Oh, yeah! And I'd also like to be present for them as much as possible. Make lots of dough AND be with my kids. Can I get an amen!! It's a conundrum that occupies my thoughts much of the day.
But beyond money, what else do I want??
Peace was the second object of desire that elbowed its way forward. But what the heck does that really mean? What does it look like? What does one DO to make it happen? I'm looking for action verbs here. And finding peace while the above money conundrum plays over and over in my mind is yet another conundrum. But, I do know I want peace for myself and my kids. A quiet knowing that everything is OK. And even if it's not, it still is. I'll go hunt down the manual for that one, and let you know what I find.
Joy was the next model that sashayed down this runway. But joy is just that right now, a beautiful supermodel that looks great up there but is totally out of reach. The joy I experience now comes in small, pitiful kernels and is often artificially inflated to make my kids feel better. It's hard to get to joy when hurt and fear are guarding the door. And I miss it. I'm so looking forward to the day when I laugh so hard I cry. Right now I just do this weird, nervous, scrunched-up face laugh all the time so that I don't cry.
Then the usual suspects marched forward and I waved to them familiarly. A pedicure, a massage, a new wardrobe, a couple new camera lenses, Starbucks gift cards, and a boob lift. Superficial stuff that makes me feel good on the surface and acts as easy targets for the sake of diversion.
Then I started thinking how short and uninspired this list really is. Money, Peace, Joy, and a Massage? Who doesn't want these things?? What makes me any different than anybody else?? I may as well say, "Food, Water, and Air" for how boilerplate these wants are.
So then I realized I don't really know what I want beyond some vague and obvious list. So I aim to find out. As Glenda the Good Witch said, "You always had it inside you" now click those tacky shoes together and get out there and take what's yours!!
I've had the blah's for the last fifteen years and now have the unusual opportunity at a second chance to make the life I truly want . . . if I can find a sitter . . . and figure out what it actually looks like.
Theme Thursday turned into Mission Get A Life. Thanks, Stacey.
What do you want?
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What's a post without pictures? A boring colorless rant. So, here's a couple from the week.
I'll first start with a daily occurrence in our home. My oldest child in some sort of quiet entrepreneurial pursuit during which she descends into a focus that takes her to her happy place. And where I begin to notice several cabinets cleared out onto the floor and something being feverishly formed. I love this about her, even though it causes messes that make me hyperventilate.
Her latest passion is cat toys, and she actually came up with this one all on her own. I thought it was pretty impressive.
That's a lollipop stick on a pen cap with craft feathers glued inside. She showed up with this as I was nursing little man. Here she is playing with Charlotte. I think she's sooo cool:) There's been a flurry of different ones made and the cats really like them.
No other photos to share. Taking them while holding a baby is tricky. But, we start "Potty Training, Take 2" tomorrow with Bee. We'll see how that goes . . . it maybe worth a click or two.